It's like when i stare into the mirror, i don't see myself, can't find myself.
I stare into my reflections eyes, hoping to find some sort of substance behind my thick black pupils.
Who am i looking at? because, it's certainly not me.
who the fuck is that, staring back?
I'm staring at someone i barely even know;
a girl with a hard shell, angry at the world.
feeling empty, lost, transparent and easy to read.
she looks evil, demonic almost.
she scares me.
but she looks afraid, lonely, like someone i should help.
she's crying out for help, but who's going to help her?
She's so hard to deal with, reach out and she'll shove you back.
I don't see myself.
It's like all the bad stuff from within is plastered on the surface.
it's clear as day, written all over my face.
It's scary, thinking everyone can see through me.
feeling like everyone knows just who i really am, like they know everything.
When i stare into the mirror, i see her, i see you.
I can't see past everything i've become.
I can't see past everything you've made of me.

i want out more than i ever wanted in, more than i ever wanted you.

but as easy as it sounds, getting out is just something i can't do.

we're hanging on by a thread.

but, why hang on when you're holding onto something so dead?

hanging on so tight, like i might lose you.

hanging on so tight, like i haven't already lost you.

don't forget what they say, with actions come consequences, you gotta pay.

this is gonna cost you.

hanging on so tight, like my heart's still whole.

hanging on so tight, like i'm still in control.

it kills me, you know.
to think it was so easy for you to just drop this and walk away.
how's your ego these days anyways?
must be getting pretty big, knowing i take the time to text you,
knowing you somehow creep into my mind every now and again and i get the urge to talk to you,
knowing that i have something to say to you,
knowing that you're on my mind,
knowing that even though i know you're not going to respond i still try,
knowing that you've left me hanging more than enough times necessary.
i guess payback's a bitch, huh?
but you know what, thanks. 
Cause all i really ever wanted to be to you was a forgotten memory.
you know, 
i always promised myself i'd never be anything like you and when i turned into you, when we became the exact same person, i thought you'd be the one to save me.
guess i was wrong.

I hope you feel ridiculously dumb right now.
Not because i'm angry, and want revenge.
Because honestly, i don't care enough to be angry right now.
thanks to you.
See, for a while there I really, really cared.
alot.
I invested a whole lot of time when i really couldn't afford it.
Now that i realize how fake you can be, how believable you tend to make your lies.
I don't know if anything you ever said or say has or had any truth to it.
When that realization hit me I disconected myself from all of our memories.
weather the feelings behind them were fake or not.
Cause how am i supposed to know what's real and what's not?
Was anything you ever said real?
Or was i the exact same?
So, I hope, I pray that you feel ridiculously dumb right now.
Cause if you feel dumb, it means you feel stupid for lying.
guilty maybe?
and if you feel guilty it means you care about how i feel.
or felt.
I don't trust you.
who knows how long it'll take me to.
I can't care about someone who doesn't care in the least about me.

Nobody knows how to stay anymore.

All anyone can do these days is leave.

All i can do these days is wait,

i've grown tired of running around and trying to pull everyone back.

all i can do is wait, 

all i'm gonna do is wait, cause i know anyone who matters will come back.

i've been waiting.

noone's come back yet.

running after people who are just going to leave again, is tiring.

don't get me wrong, it's not that they're not worth it.

just maybe, i'm not worth it.

25 to life.

It's funny, everyone's always told me , "Orange is your colour."
they say it brings out the blue in my eyes,
makes my skin glow.
I always thought that said alot about me.
I never really liked wearing orange.
I've also never been one to wear jewelry
but i guess it's my fate.
cause, here i am
orange jumpsuit and matching silver bracelets.
standing at the gate.

"Where's your engagement ring?" I ask, knowing the answer because I've already asked a few too many times.
He fumbles around, avoiding eye contact, 
"forgot it at the office again, it gets uncomfortable sometimes, you know that." 
He only looks at my eyes, not into them, after he's finished speaking as a smile grows on his face.
like he's made an accomplishment.
like he thinks i actually believe his bullshit.
He leans in and kisses me on the cheek.
I smell her perfume and picture the ring sitting on her bedside table.
He says he's tired and goes to bed.


Our wedding is two weeks away.
I've made all the decisions.
he pays for all of my decisions.
I'd call the wedding off but i want him to know that i love him.
I don't want him to think he's wasted all his money, i want him to think i'm loyal.
The funny thing is, i don't even care if he sees her.
I'm strong enough to pretend the lip stick stains on his cheek are from me, i'm strong enough to pretend he's as dedicated to his job as he wants me to think.
I know if he loved her more than he loved me, he'd be with her.
He's not gaining anything from being with me.
and i know, as jealous as i am,
i'd never mention anything to him.
I couldn't.
I wouldn't want to upset him, cause then he might want to be with her.
all the time.
Not me.
i would never complain, because i'm lucky enough to even be with him some of the time.
Maybe, if i'm good, he'll get over her
and realize how lucky he is that i've stuck by his side all this time.

crossing our fingers for the summer.

it amazes me, how a season can change things so much.

It seems to me like everytime the season changes, everytime the weather become colder, or warmer.

everything changes.

everything shifts.

I can be so sure about how things are going to be.

then it all changes, and everything turns out opposite of what i'd thought.

weather can be so unpredictable.

everything's become so unpredictable.

all i've got to pass the time is memories.
the float weightlessly around my head, good and bad.
problem is, it gets difficult to decipher memories from what i've created in my head.
I've got enough time to go through every memory i have.
though I'm not exactly sure i want to.
over thinking is what I'm best at.
I'm going to sit here, picking apart everything you've said to me and find something wrong with it.
something fake, something i don't believe.
is it so horrible that i don't want to see what might actually be there?
is it so horrible that i'd like to stay happy for once?

i wish i hadn't wasted so many words on you .

Here's the problem;
I thought i trusted you, i really did.
it was all thanks to you,  for building that trust up, tall and strong.
and not just like, kinda strong.
it was really,  really strong.
I thought you were so real, trusted you with everything.
i could've trusted you with my life.
but that's where i was wrong.
see, i thought i trusted you.
but all that trust was fake.
i only thought i could've trusted you with my life.
but you built my trust on lies and empty promises,
maybe it sounds cliché, but it's true.
Thinking back i see how naive and foolish i was for believing anything you said,
for believing in you.
it was practically right in front of me, i just didn't wanna believe it.
always giving you the benefit of the doubt, and telling myself you were so much better than you were.


but here's where the problem comes in, 
sure, i look back and see how fake everything was.
i see the lies, and see how dumb i was for falling for them.
but you built that trust so fast, so strong.
that when i finally saw the truth, i couldn't help but give you the benefit of the doubt,


and now, even though i look back and wish i never met you.
i know i'd never forget you.
the sad part is, i still don't hate you.
even though i know i should and i tell everyone i do.
but i guess that's just how good you are at what you do,
you built my trust up so strong.
that when it should've been destroyed
bits and pieces stayed where they were.


sometimes i just wish you'd pick up the phone and call me, 
tell me how much you've missed me and ask me how everything's been
i know i'd want to shout something really rude into my end of the phone and hang up on you
but then i'd probably just spill my guts to you and explain every detail of what you've missed, 
we'd be on the phone for hours, just like old times.
but that's not gonna happen.
and i'm not even exactly sure why,


cause what hurts most is for some reason you're acting like i'm the one to blame.

"I keep thinking how young you can die from old age."

"I grow tired of these fuckin' grown man liars.

Story teller's, they aint even need a campfire."

nothing to say.

I'm bitter.
Sure, call it what you want.
I don't want to believe all that i can see.
It's been set right infront of my, millions of times, clear as day.
But I've got nothing to say.
Cause really, what can i say?
Nothing.
You're smart, i'll give you that.
Got me right where you want me.
You planned this perfectly,
put me in a position where i'll do anything, but at the same time can't do anything.
You'll do the minimum, just to give me the slightest bit of hope, the hope that'll keep me hanging on with what i can only hope is a tight enough grip.
And you can do anything, whatever you want.
cause, once again, i'm defenseless and can't do anything, there's nothing i can say.
i've got nothing to say.

wasn't joking when i told ya' , you take my breath away.

baby, there's no reason to play tough,

hard to get isn't so necessary with me.

but if you wanna play games, go ahead.

i don't give up and

i always get what i want.

you should know that by now.

forgive and forget? i don't think so.

removing something's always harder than putting it there in the first place.
when you're two years old, and you put a sticker on your wall where you think noone will ever see it
then a few years later when it's time to move, you're standing there trying to scrape it off for an hour.
or when you draw a master piece on your parents bedroom wall with sharpie as an anniversary gift
then they make you scrub it off.
or when you fall off your bike and scrape your knee, so you've got to cover it up with a bandaid
then the next day when you go to take it off you've got to close your eyes, count to three and brace yourself for the stinging pain.


as you grow up it doesn't change,
putting effort into making things better and making them worse.


you give someone your trust,
and you can't just take it back.
you give someone your love,
you can't take it back.
you tell someone a secret,
you can't take it back.
you tell someone a lie,
you can't take it back.
you cheat,
you can't take it back.
you conceive a child,
you can't take it back.
you hurt someone you care about,
you can't take it back.
you lose someone's trust,
you can't take it back.
you break the law,
you can't take it back.
you believe someone's lies,
you can't take it back.
you leave,
you can't come back.


you make mistakes, we all do.
we can't take them back.
but time after time, we'll still try.
again and again.
to take what we can back.
but there's nothing in this world you can take back.
all you can do is work, 
work to make it better,
work to fix it.
all it takes is a little effort
and a little forgiveness.


but where's the effort?
at this rate i'm never going to forgive you.

i forget where i am, i lose my spot.
the rain pours down, ruining my straightened hair.
But i'm tired and i don't care.
you can't see me and i'm glad.
this is all fine with me, as long as you can't see the tole it's taking on me.


cold, tired, makeup running.
i reach for a stranger's embrace.
to fill the space where you belong.
a stranger, only trying to help, makes everything worse.
this stranger doesn't fit the way you do.
it's like trying to fit the wrong puzzle pieces together.
it's stuffy, and doesn't feel right.
all i want to do is go home and fall asleep.
i walk myself to my house, and fall into my bed
but i'm not home,
home is where the heart is.
wherethefuckareyou?
i wanna come home.
i don't care if you see me like this.
you should know, this bullshit is taking it's tole. 

time,

a luxury so hard to find, i just can't figure out why i wasted it all here with you .

I apologize, i seem to have forgotten that i only exist when you need something from me.

I'm sorry, i seem to have forgotten that you're only here for me when it's convenient for you.

My mistake.

I've got so much to say.
But i couldn't say it,
wouldn't wanna risk what's been built between us.
time after time i've seen girls pour their emotions out for a guy.
Thinking, if only he knew, he'd make a change.
Thinking, if only he knew, he'd love me.
But I'm not so naive.
I know putting myself out there would be just setting myself up for disaster.
you'd listen, consider what i was saying, consider what i was worth, then tell me you'd do something about it, to make it better.
I'd get my hopes up.
Then maybe, for a day you'd change it up, fix things.
But listening to me talk will never change how you act, 
my threats will never change who you are.
I cannot and will never be able to change this person you will always be.
only you can do that.

you're useless.

I'd like to, for two seconds, remember how it feels to not be so wrapped up in someone else.
I'd like to remember what it's like to show up to school and think about my work, i'd like to remember seeing the clock at 11:11 and wishing for things like good weather the next day, i'd like to remember how it feels to make someone wait on my text, I'd like to remember seeing a stranger and wondering if they'd ever mean something to me, i'd like to remember not being completely dependent on what someone else was doing or how someone else was feeling, i'd like to remember not sitting up at night like an overwhelmed little girl and crying about stupid things an ignorant little boy may or may not have done, i'd like to remember being okay with being alone, i'd like to remember being happy with nothing but me, myself and i.

teenage love ; Friendship on fire.

everyone can see it.

you're a stain, on my brand new white t-shirt.

you linger upon the left side of my chest, close to my heart.

I was clumsy.

got into this thinking this time it'd be different.

thinking i could keep calm, keep things under control.

but of course, i was wrong.

i made a mess.

as usual.

and now everyone can see what's become of me.

what's become of us.

but what has become of us?

some would say, we're simply friends, friends with benifits.

some would say, we're together.

I'd say neither.

I'd say that i don't own you, that while i've got this stain for everyone to see it's not quite as visible on you.

I'd say that I'd like to own you, i'd like for my name to be plastered all over you so that noone else would even think to look at you.

I'd like for us to have matching stains.

but these days, all you've got to do is find the next best laundry detergent before your stain's gone.

noone wants to get used, so you do what you can to rid yourself of things that might be of any benefit to anyone else.

but what happens when you've got nothing left for yourself.

when not even you can use yourself.

what do you have to look forward to.

you fucking worthless piece of shit, you'll never amount to anything.

wipe that smirk off your face, you've got nothing to be proud of.

i'm sorry for the nights i can't remember.

It nights like these, where i crawl out of my second story window and roll across my lawn then sprint down my street till I'm far away from where my parents can see me, where i meet all my friends and a bunch of fresh faced strangers at a park. 

everyone's taking shots, flying high, smiling, and laughing. 

There's the odd bit of drama to keep things exciting but over all everyone's trying to live their lives as happy as possible. Stranger's welcome you with open arms, some with open lips, open minds, open hearts, or even open legs.

we're all hiding something, covering it up with glazed eyes. but noone's here to judge because, we're all the same.

then, at the end of the night, or the beginning of the morning i'll sneak back into my window, hope noone came to check on me and fall asleep all alone.

It's nights like those that make me feel free, like anythings possible. 

like the past can't ever affect me anymore, won't ever affect me anymore.

then i wake up, in the late afternoon, only to find i've gone and made a million more mistakes, to find that the past is still catching up with me.

It's nights like those that discust me.

but at the same time, i'll replay them again and again.

because, for that moment. 

those few hours where the rest of the world couldn't touch me, i felt invincible.

the consequences don't add up to half as much as that feeling.

they tell you to live in the moment, before it's too late.

they tell you to plan for the future, before it's too late.

they tell you not to forget you past, before it's too late.
                                                                           is anyone else confused?

i want someone to need me, that so bad?

you build me up.
i breath sweet oxygen into my lungs, a little too fast, a little too much.
the heat of the room grows and small beads of sweat collect in the center of my palms.
my heart beats fast, a little too fast for my liking.
it frightens the butterflies that occupy my stomach, causing them to fly around viciously.
the greatest high i've ever felt.
the most addictive scent i've ever smelt.
all so fast it raises me up,  i'm in heaven.
paradise, if you will.
but then at the same time, it can all go away.
just as fast.
and you're left, with the reality,
that there's nothing left that's better than what you had.

can you save me from myself?

you said you'd always be here to help me.

always be on my side.

but who's side are you going to be on when it's me against myself?

dear assholes,

This is for all the assholes that have been telling a girl words that are to die for. You tell her, " You’d change for her. " And you go behind her back, and fucking go against your word. You tell her, " Your the only one I talk to baby " But in fucking reality, your texting a million other skanks, and telling them the same damn thing. You bring her out one day, hold her hand, give her a peck on the lips, hold her bag, and hold her by the waist. You show your friends your with her, but you stop texting / calling her after that day. You call her " my chick " Which just makes her feel so damn good, when you got 2 or 3 other chicks on the side too. This is for all the assholes, who’ve lied to women’s face, who’ve stopped talking to a women after a day, who’ve just cancelled a women outta their lives. Seriously? grow the fuck up. We’ve been telling you asshole how much we hate getting hurt, and we fucking expect so much from you guys. We expect you guys to fucking change, but do you? Negative. It’s sad because it spoils all the other guys who’d want a chance with these girls. They’d have to work harder, because the girl’s afraid she’d get played again. Two words for guys like this: Fuck You.

everyone knows.
everyone knows the mess that's being made of me.
I got through the day, thinking about you.
sure, i flirt with others
but it's you that's alway on my mind.
i try to focus on school work , but you always find a way to creep back into my thoughts.
and when the day's done, i make plans.
i don't want to go home.
so i fill my schedule, with ways to keep you off my mind.
everyone knows, i'm falling apart without you.
they try to give me everything else they know makes me happy.
but at the end of the day i still need to go home.
i don't want to go home.
i don't want to get bored.
cause when i get bored, you once again creep into my head.
when i'm with them , i'm thinking about you.
when i'm with him , i'm thinking about you.
when i'm all alone , i'm thinking about you.
and at the end of the day, all the friends in the world and the busiest schedule in the world 
can't keep you out of my mind.
during the day, it's all sunshine and lollipops.
but when i go home and have time to myself, time to think, that front comes crashing down.
you're tearing me apart.
everyone can tell.
everyone but you.
everyone hates you.
everyone but me.
i love you. <3

you're beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.

it's like smoking crack and trying to go to sleep.
it's like diving into the depths of an ocean without an oxygen mask on.
it's like climbing the side of a building and stopping to take a look down.
i'm restless, i can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't breathe.
i'm drained but i'm drowning.
i'm exhausted.
&tired of trying to please you.
I know where we're headed, &i'm more afraid than ever before.

everday, all day.

i sit and bask in the flaws of it all.

sure, i'm like everyone else.

i sit back and wonder "how'd this happen to me?"

but then you walk up and it's like everything slips away.

i forget why i was so worried, so sad, so angry.

you make me happy.

is that so bad?

the words you once thought of as so wise, sure they came from me.

they drifted out of my thoughts, onto a piece of paper and sooner or later into your thoughts.

I hate to say it, I'm a hypocrite.

but i'm tired of denying the truth.

the truth is; i'm scared, which means i care, which means i've given something the power to destroy me, which means it has the power to make me cry. 

The problem is that while this thing, or person has the key to my destruction they've got the key to my happiness at the exact same time.

the person who makes me cry is the same person whose arms i want to fall into and bawl my eyes out in. 

they say nothing in life comes for free, if you want something you've got to make a sacrifice for it.

if i have to sacrifice my happiness for yours than that's fine.

do what ever you've got to do to make yourself happy.

just don't let me go.

please.

"Why can't i breathe whenever i think about you, why can't i speak whenever i talk about you? It's inevitable."

you&me.

we make a good team, great if you ask me.

our conversations are never one sided, always filled with plenty of laughs.

when everyone else is gone, i know you'll still be there.

whether I'm here for you or not.

this all might crash and burn one day.

but i really hope that's no day soon.

despite everything i've said about you in the past ; i l o v e you.

and i never want you to leave my side.

i want to drown in you, f o r e v e r.

 

you're everywhere. 

I can't escape you.

not even in my dreams.

you can't let me sleep peacefully.

can't let me forget, nope.

that's not your style.

sleeping is usual enough escape but you,

you're a monster too strong for my control.

and you keep coming back for more.

I was hoping you'd make this easy.

take what you want, leave and never come back.

but clearly, that's not your style.

the whispers, the glares, and under-the-breath rude comments come like grains of salt.

I can take them in small doses, but there's always the straw that broke the camels back.

the pushing past me and the one worded responses come a little larger, like pebbles.

I can take them once in a while, but all at once and over and over again?

sooner or later you'll make me crack.

The shouting rude things at me from down the hall, guilt trips and this constant cycle.

not knowing what to expect everyday.

they come like boulders.

It was only a certain amount of time before i cracked.

before i broke down and let everyone see my demons come pouring out.

only an amount of time before i decided i didn't care anymore.

there's always that one person you'll never notice.
the one who's completely head over heels for you but will never tell you.
the one who thinks you're beautiful all the time and no matter what.
the one who doesn't care what everyone else is thinking and will always stick up for you.
the one who wants you to be as happy as can be, and will give you advice to help your relationships blossom.
then when they come crashing down, that person will still be there.
but you never really think too much of them.
How do i know this?
because, while everyone has that one person
at the same time everyone is that person to someone else.
someone who's blocking them from seeing that they have someone right in front of them.
someone who will always be there, hoping for you to one day turn around and notice them.
but you never will, cause you'll always be stuck chasing what you can't have.

Nothing in highschool means anything, it's best that way too.

cause as soon as anything means something to you, you give it the ability to ruin you.

without meaning nothing can make you cry.

when you see her face what goes through your mind?
does your heart beat faster, do you over analyze the length of your awkward eye contact?
do your lungs fill with air too fast, and your stomach with butterflies?
does your heart race and flush your face with crimson color?
or is she just another ordinary face in this extraordinary life?
do you look at her and wonder what everyone sees in her?
do you hear her name and wonder if you should defend her when people talk badly about her?
or do you join in and throw a few insults around with them?
do you see her pictures and think about commenting?
do you sneak a peek out of the corner of your eye when no one's watching?
do hear her voice and get the urge to respond to what she's saying?
do you get jealous when you see her talking to another guy?
do you wonder if she's talking about you over there with her friends?
do you step into a room and notice her before anyone else?
do you lay in bed at night and think about all the conversations you guys have had?
do you hope that today will be the day she makes a move?
or does none ever of this cross your mind?
what she's thinking, where she's going, who she's with, what she's doing.
does any of this matter to you?
do the things that cross her mind cross yours?
or was this just another scene in your play.

sometimes when shit gets rough, i start to think that this is the end.
but I'm nowhere close.
as much as i sometimes wish i were.
this isn't going to mean anything to me in a month or two
and the rest of all this, is going to catch up to me.
you're the cause and cure.
but sometimes, you have to try a different remedy.
I just hope i can find that remedy before this disease means the death of me.
up from here?
I sure hope so.

see this?
this is me giving up on you.  (:
i don't care anymore, not if you don't.
i know you care.
but it's what you care about that really says something.
so tell me?
you're in it or you're not.
don't leave me hanging, cause i'm tired of it.

you promised you wouldn't.
but you're coming really close.
sooner or later i won't be able to keep up.
this isn't me, i just want you to slow down 
,for me?

you keep making promises.
promises you can't keep.
it's like over and over again, you'll come to me
and tell me everything i want to hear.
then tell me everything and anything you can to tear down all the high expectations you've instilled in me.
like, all this was, was a stupid girl and way too much wishful thinking.
but by then it's too late and along with those high expectations comes everything else.
you tear me down.
again and a-fucking-gain.
then by the time i've cleared my head of you, and moved on
you come back to me, expecting everything to be the same.
but it's not.
it will never be the same.
but every time, you barge back in with a bag filled of ticks and compliments.
and you start again, from ground zero.
building on the foundations of what you left behind last time.
and when we're almost there, you'll tear it all down again.
when will it end?
you're killing me.