stay.

I wish you could stay with me forever.

Why? Because I know I'm not the best.

And I'm sure that, if you don't know by now, you'll soon find out.

I'm no better than your last, and I'm sure I'm not as great as your next will be.

But if you never left me , maybe you wouldn't have time to come to that realization.

I wish you would see everything perfect in me and nothing but faults in everything else.

just friends.

Sometimes when people ask, I wish I could say that we were just friends.

Not because that's what I want, we both know it's not.

But because, if we were just friends I would never be let down. There would be no expectations.

You could do whatever you wanted, I could do the same.

maybe if we were just friends I wouldn't be so fucking dependent on you.

And because, if we were just friends I'd have nothing to lose.

You terrify me. Why?

it's simple. Because, when I was sure I was unbreakable, you broke me.

Because, when I didn't want anyone you made me want you.

Because, when noone could control me you brought me back down to earth.

Because, when I didn't need anyone, you made me need again.

Because, when I was used to being chased, you made me chase you.

Because, when I could have anyone else at my fingertips, you weren't there.
Because, when I felt like giving up, you turned things around.
Because, I've never put as much effort into something as I am now.
Because, when I feel like dirt, you make me feel beautiful.
Because, you know everything there is to know.
Because, when you're gone for a day I miss you more than I miss the people I haven't seen in months.
Because, I've never felt so dependent on another person before.
Because, I know that while it's not hard for you to walk away, it's impossible for me to watch you walk away
and that terrifies me more than anything.

It's like when i stare into the mirror, i don't see myself, can't find myself.
I stare into my reflections eyes, hoping to find some sort of substance behind my thick black pupils.
Who am i looking at? because, it's certainly not me.
who the fuck is that, staring back?
I'm staring at someone i barely even know;
a girl with a hard shell, angry at the world.
feeling empty, lost, transparent and easy to read.
she looks evil, demonic almost.
she scares me.
but she looks afraid, lonely, like someone i should help.
she's crying out for help, but who's going to help her?
She's so hard to deal with, reach out and she'll shove you back.
I don't see myself.
It's like all the bad stuff from within is plastered on the surface.
it's clear as day, written all over my face.
It's scary, thinking everyone can see through me.
feeling like everyone knows just who i really am, like they know everything.
When i stare into the mirror, i see her, i see you.
I can't see past everything i've become.
I can't see past everything you've made of me.

i want out more than i ever wanted in, more than i ever wanted you.

but as easy as it sounds, getting out is just something i can't do.

we're hanging on by a thread.

but, why hang on when you're holding onto something so dead?

hanging on so tight, like i might lose you.

hanging on so tight, like i haven't already lost you.

don't forget what they say, with actions come consequences, you gotta pay.

this is gonna cost you.

hanging on so tight, like my heart's still whole.

hanging on so tight, like i'm still in control.

it kills me, you know.
to think it was so easy for you to just drop this and walk away.
how's your ego these days anyways?
must be getting pretty big, knowing i take the time to text you,
knowing you somehow creep into my mind every now and again and i get the urge to talk to you,
knowing that i have something to say to you,
knowing that you're on my mind,
knowing that even though i know you're not going to respond i still try,
knowing that you've left me hanging more than enough times necessary.
i guess payback's a bitch, huh?
but you know what, thanks. 
Cause all i really ever wanted to be to you was a forgotten memory.
you know, 
i always promised myself i'd never be anything like you and when i turned into you, when we became the exact same person, i thought you'd be the one to save me.
guess i was wrong.

I hope you feel ridiculously dumb right now.
Not because i'm angry, and want revenge.
Because honestly, i don't care enough to be angry right now.
thanks to you.
See, for a while there I really, really cared.
alot.
I invested a whole lot of time when i really couldn't afford it.
Now that i realize how fake you can be, how believable you tend to make your lies.
I don't know if anything you ever said or say has or had any truth to it.
When that realization hit me I disconected myself from all of our memories.
weather the feelings behind them were fake or not.
Cause how am i supposed to know what's real and what's not?
Was anything you ever said real?
Or was i the exact same?
So, I hope, I pray that you feel ridiculously dumb right now.
Cause if you feel dumb, it means you feel stupid for lying.
guilty maybe?
and if you feel guilty it means you care about how i feel.
or felt.
I don't trust you.
who knows how long it'll take me to.
I can't care about someone who doesn't care in the least about me.

Nobody knows how to stay anymore.

All anyone can do these days is leave.

All i can do these days is wait,

i've grown tired of running around and trying to pull everyone back.

all i can do is wait, 

all i'm gonna do is wait, cause i know anyone who matters will come back.

i've been waiting.

noone's come back yet.

running after people who are just going to leave again, is tiring.

don't get me wrong, it's not that they're not worth it.

just maybe, i'm not worth it.

25 to life.

It's funny, everyone's always told me , "Orange is your colour."
they say it brings out the blue in my eyes,
makes my skin glow.
I always thought that said alot about me.
I never really liked wearing orange.
I've also never been one to wear jewelry
but i guess it's my fate.
cause, here i am
orange jumpsuit and matching silver bracelets.
standing at the gate.

"Where's your engagement ring?" I ask, knowing the answer because I've already asked a few too many times.
He fumbles around, avoiding eye contact, 
"forgot it at the office again, it gets uncomfortable sometimes, you know that." 
He only looks at my eyes, not into them, after he's finished speaking as a smile grows on his face.
like he's made an accomplishment.
like he thinks i actually believe his bullshit.
He leans in and kisses me on the cheek.
I smell her perfume and picture the ring sitting on her bedside table.
He says he's tired and goes to bed.


Our wedding is two weeks away.
I've made all the decisions.
he pays for all of my decisions.
I'd call the wedding off but i want him to know that i love him.
I don't want him to think he's wasted all his money, i want him to think i'm loyal.
The funny thing is, i don't even care if he sees her.
I'm strong enough to pretend the lip stick stains on his cheek are from me, i'm strong enough to pretend he's as dedicated to his job as he wants me to think.
I know if he loved her more than he loved me, he'd be with her.
He's not gaining anything from being with me.
and i know, as jealous as i am,
i'd never mention anything to him.
I couldn't.
I wouldn't want to upset him, cause then he might want to be with her.
all the time.
Not me.
i would never complain, because i'm lucky enough to even be with him some of the time.
Maybe, if i'm good, he'll get over her
and realize how lucky he is that i've stuck by his side all this time.

crossing our fingers for the summer.

it amazes me, how a season can change things so much.

It seems to me like everytime the season changes, everytime the weather become colder, or warmer.

everything changes.

everything shifts.

I can be so sure about how things are going to be.

then it all changes, and everything turns out opposite of what i'd thought.

weather can be so unpredictable.

everything's become so unpredictable.

all i've got to pass the time is memories.
the float weightlessly around my head, good and bad.
problem is, it gets difficult to decipher memories from what i've created in my head.
I've got enough time to go through every memory i have.
though I'm not exactly sure i want to.
over thinking is what I'm best at.
I'm going to sit here, picking apart everything you've said to me and find something wrong with it.
something fake, something i don't believe.
is it so horrible that i don't want to see what might actually be there?
is it so horrible that i'd like to stay happy for once?

i wish i hadn't wasted so many words on you .

Here's the problem;
I thought i trusted you, i really did.
it was all thanks to you,  for building that trust up, tall and strong.
and not just like, kinda strong.
it was really,  really strong.
I thought you were so real, trusted you with everything.
i could've trusted you with my life.
but that's where i was wrong.
see, i thought i trusted you.
but all that trust was fake.
i only thought i could've trusted you with my life.
but you built my trust on lies and empty promises,
maybe it sounds cliché, but it's true.
Thinking back i see how naive and foolish i was for believing anything you said,
for believing in you.
it was practically right in front of me, i just didn't wanna believe it.
always giving you the benefit of the doubt, and telling myself you were so much better than you were.


but here's where the problem comes in, 
sure, i look back and see how fake everything was.
i see the lies, and see how dumb i was for falling for them.
but you built that trust so fast, so strong.
that when i finally saw the truth, i couldn't help but give you the benefit of the doubt,


and now, even though i look back and wish i never met you.
i know i'd never forget you.
the sad part is, i still don't hate you.
even though i know i should and i tell everyone i do.
but i guess that's just how good you are at what you do,
you built my trust up so strong.
that when it should've been destroyed
bits and pieces stayed where they were.


sometimes i just wish you'd pick up the phone and call me, 
tell me how much you've missed me and ask me how everything's been
i know i'd want to shout something really rude into my end of the phone and hang up on you
but then i'd probably just spill my guts to you and explain every detail of what you've missed, 
we'd be on the phone for hours, just like old times.
but that's not gonna happen.
and i'm not even exactly sure why,


cause what hurts most is for some reason you're acting like i'm the one to blame.

"I keep thinking how young you can die from old age."

"I grow tired of these fuckin' grown man liars.

Story teller's, they aint even need a campfire."

nothing to say.

I'm bitter.
Sure, call it what you want.
I don't want to believe all that i can see.
It's been set right infront of my, millions of times, clear as day.
But I've got nothing to say.
Cause really, what can i say?
Nothing.
You're smart, i'll give you that.
Got me right where you want me.
You planned this perfectly,
put me in a position where i'll do anything, but at the same time can't do anything.
You'll do the minimum, just to give me the slightest bit of hope, the hope that'll keep me hanging on with what i can only hope is a tight enough grip.
And you can do anything, whatever you want.
cause, once again, i'm defenseless and can't do anything, there's nothing i can say.
i've got nothing to say.

wasn't joking when i told ya' , you take my breath away.

baby, there's no reason to play tough,

hard to get isn't so necessary with me.

but if you wanna play games, go ahead.

i don't give up and

i always get what i want.

you should know that by now.

forgive and forget? i don't think so.

removing something's always harder than putting it there in the first place.
when you're two years old, and you put a sticker on your wall where you think noone will ever see it
then a few years later when it's time to move, you're standing there trying to scrape it off for an hour.
or when you draw a master piece on your parents bedroom wall with sharpie as an anniversary gift
then they make you scrub it off.
or when you fall off your bike and scrape your knee, so you've got to cover it up with a bandaid
then the next day when you go to take it off you've got to close your eyes, count to three and brace yourself for the stinging pain.


as you grow up it doesn't change,
putting effort into making things better and making them worse.


you give someone your trust,
and you can't just take it back.
you give someone your love,
you can't take it back.
you tell someone a secret,
you can't take it back.
you tell someone a lie,
you can't take it back.
you cheat,
you can't take it back.
you conceive a child,
you can't take it back.
you hurt someone you care about,
you can't take it back.
you lose someone's trust,
you can't take it back.
you break the law,
you can't take it back.
you believe someone's lies,
you can't take it back.
you leave,
you can't come back.


you make mistakes, we all do.
we can't take them back.
but time after time, we'll still try.
again and again.
to take what we can back.
but there's nothing in this world you can take back.
all you can do is work, 
work to make it better,
work to fix it.
all it takes is a little effort
and a little forgiveness.


but where's the effort?
at this rate i'm never going to forgive you.

i forget where i am, i lose my spot.
the rain pours down, ruining my straightened hair.
But i'm tired and i don't care.
you can't see me and i'm glad.
this is all fine with me, as long as you can't see the tole it's taking on me.


cold, tired, makeup running.
i reach for a stranger's embrace.
to fill the space where you belong.
a stranger, only trying to help, makes everything worse.
this stranger doesn't fit the way you do.
it's like trying to fit the wrong puzzle pieces together.
it's stuffy, and doesn't feel right.
all i want to do is go home and fall asleep.
i walk myself to my house, and fall into my bed
but i'm not home,
home is where the heart is.
wherethefuckareyou?
i wanna come home.
i don't care if you see me like this.
you should know, this bullshit is taking it's tole. 

time,

a luxury so hard to find, i just can't figure out why i wasted it all here with you .

I apologize, i seem to have forgotten that i only exist when you need something from me.

I'm sorry, i seem to have forgotten that you're only here for me when it's convenient for you.

My mistake.