Nobody knows how to stay anymore.

All anyone can do these days is leave.

All i can do these days is wait,

i've grown tired of running around and trying to pull everyone back.

all i can do is wait, 

all i'm gonna do is wait, cause i know anyone who matters will come back.

i've been waiting.

noone's come back yet.

running after people who are just going to leave again, is tiring.

don't get me wrong, it's not that they're not worth it.

just maybe, i'm not worth it.

25 to life.

It's funny, everyone's always told me , "Orange is your colour."
they say it brings out the blue in my eyes,
makes my skin glow.
I always thought that said alot about me.
I never really liked wearing orange.
I've also never been one to wear jewelry
but i guess it's my fate.
cause, here i am
orange jumpsuit and matching silver bracelets.
standing at the gate.

"Where's your engagement ring?" I ask, knowing the answer because I've already asked a few too many times.
He fumbles around, avoiding eye contact, 
"forgot it at the office again, it gets uncomfortable sometimes, you know that." 
He only looks at my eyes, not into them, after he's finished speaking as a smile grows on his face.
like he's made an accomplishment.
like he thinks i actually believe his bullshit.
He leans in and kisses me on the cheek.
I smell her perfume and picture the ring sitting on her bedside table.
He says he's tired and goes to bed.


Our wedding is two weeks away.
I've made all the decisions.
he pays for all of my decisions.
I'd call the wedding off but i want him to know that i love him.
I don't want him to think he's wasted all his money, i want him to think i'm loyal.
The funny thing is, i don't even care if he sees her.
I'm strong enough to pretend the lip stick stains on his cheek are from me, i'm strong enough to pretend he's as dedicated to his job as he wants me to think.
I know if he loved her more than he loved me, he'd be with her.
He's not gaining anything from being with me.
and i know, as jealous as i am,
i'd never mention anything to him.
I couldn't.
I wouldn't want to upset him, cause then he might want to be with her.
all the time.
Not me.
i would never complain, because i'm lucky enough to even be with him some of the time.
Maybe, if i'm good, he'll get over her
and realize how lucky he is that i've stuck by his side all this time.

crossing our fingers for the summer.

it amazes me, how a season can change things so much.

It seems to me like everytime the season changes, everytime the weather become colder, or warmer.

everything changes.

everything shifts.

I can be so sure about how things are going to be.

then it all changes, and everything turns out opposite of what i'd thought.

weather can be so unpredictable.

everything's become so unpredictable.

all i've got to pass the time is memories.
the float weightlessly around my head, good and bad.
problem is, it gets difficult to decipher memories from what i've created in my head.
I've got enough time to go through every memory i have.
though I'm not exactly sure i want to.
over thinking is what I'm best at.
I'm going to sit here, picking apart everything you've said to me and find something wrong with it.
something fake, something i don't believe.
is it so horrible that i don't want to see what might actually be there?
is it so horrible that i'd like to stay happy for once?