i wish i hadn't wasted so many words on you .

Here's the problem;
I thought i trusted you, i really did.
it was all thanks to you,  for building that trust up, tall and strong.
and not just like, kinda strong.
it was really,  really strong.
I thought you were so real, trusted you with everything.
i could've trusted you with my life.
but that's where i was wrong.
see, i thought i trusted you.
but all that trust was fake.
i only thought i could've trusted you with my life.
but you built my trust on lies and empty promises,
maybe it sounds cliché, but it's true.
Thinking back i see how naive and foolish i was for believing anything you said,
for believing in you.
it was practically right in front of me, i just didn't wanna believe it.
always giving you the benefit of the doubt, and telling myself you were so much better than you were.


but here's where the problem comes in, 
sure, i look back and see how fake everything was.
i see the lies, and see how dumb i was for falling for them.
but you built that trust so fast, so strong.
that when i finally saw the truth, i couldn't help but give you the benefit of the doubt,


and now, even though i look back and wish i never met you.
i know i'd never forget you.
the sad part is, i still don't hate you.
even though i know i should and i tell everyone i do.
but i guess that's just how good you are at what you do,
you built my trust up so strong.
that when it should've been destroyed
bits and pieces stayed where they were.


sometimes i just wish you'd pick up the phone and call me, 
tell me how much you've missed me and ask me how everything's been
i know i'd want to shout something really rude into my end of the phone and hang up on you
but then i'd probably just spill my guts to you and explain every detail of what you've missed, 
we'd be on the phone for hours, just like old times.
but that's not gonna happen.
and i'm not even exactly sure why,


cause what hurts most is for some reason you're acting like i'm the one to blame.

"I keep thinking how young you can die from old age."

"I grow tired of these fuckin' grown man liars.

Story teller's, they aint even need a campfire."

nothing to say.

I'm bitter.
Sure, call it what you want.
I don't want to believe all that i can see.
It's been set right infront of my, millions of times, clear as day.
But I've got nothing to say.
Cause really, what can i say?
Nothing.
You're smart, i'll give you that.
Got me right where you want me.
You planned this perfectly,
put me in a position where i'll do anything, but at the same time can't do anything.
You'll do the minimum, just to give me the slightest bit of hope, the hope that'll keep me hanging on with what i can only hope is a tight enough grip.
And you can do anything, whatever you want.
cause, once again, i'm defenseless and can't do anything, there's nothing i can say.
i've got nothing to say.

wasn't joking when i told ya' , you take my breath away.

baby, there's no reason to play tough,

hard to get isn't so necessary with me.

but if you wanna play games, go ahead.

i don't give up and

i always get what i want.

you should know that by now.

forgive and forget? i don't think so.

removing something's always harder than putting it there in the first place.
when you're two years old, and you put a sticker on your wall where you think noone will ever see it
then a few years later when it's time to move, you're standing there trying to scrape it off for an hour.
or when you draw a master piece on your parents bedroom wall with sharpie as an anniversary gift
then they make you scrub it off.
or when you fall off your bike and scrape your knee, so you've got to cover it up with a bandaid
then the next day when you go to take it off you've got to close your eyes, count to three and brace yourself for the stinging pain.


as you grow up it doesn't change,
putting effort into making things better and making them worse.


you give someone your trust,
and you can't just take it back.
you give someone your love,
you can't take it back.
you tell someone a secret,
you can't take it back.
you tell someone a lie,
you can't take it back.
you cheat,
you can't take it back.
you conceive a child,
you can't take it back.
you hurt someone you care about,
you can't take it back.
you lose someone's trust,
you can't take it back.
you break the law,
you can't take it back.
you believe someone's lies,
you can't take it back.
you leave,
you can't come back.


you make mistakes, we all do.
we can't take them back.
but time after time, we'll still try.
again and again.
to take what we can back.
but there's nothing in this world you can take back.
all you can do is work, 
work to make it better,
work to fix it.
all it takes is a little effort
and a little forgiveness.


but where's the effort?
at this rate i'm never going to forgive you.

i forget where i am, i lose my spot.
the rain pours down, ruining my straightened hair.
But i'm tired and i don't care.
you can't see me and i'm glad.
this is all fine with me, as long as you can't see the tole it's taking on me.


cold, tired, makeup running.
i reach for a stranger's embrace.
to fill the space where you belong.
a stranger, only trying to help, makes everything worse.
this stranger doesn't fit the way you do.
it's like trying to fit the wrong puzzle pieces together.
it's stuffy, and doesn't feel right.
all i want to do is go home and fall asleep.
i walk myself to my house, and fall into my bed
but i'm not home,
home is where the heart is.
wherethefuckareyou?
i wanna come home.
i don't care if you see me like this.
you should know, this bullshit is taking it's tole. 

time,

a luxury so hard to find, i just can't figure out why i wasted it all here with you .

I apologize, i seem to have forgotten that i only exist when you need something from me.

I'm sorry, i seem to have forgotten that you're only here for me when it's convenient for you.

My mistake.

I've got so much to say.
But i couldn't say it,
wouldn't wanna risk what's been built between us.
time after time i've seen girls pour their emotions out for a guy.
Thinking, if only he knew, he'd make a change.
Thinking, if only he knew, he'd love me.
But I'm not so naive.
I know putting myself out there would be just setting myself up for disaster.
you'd listen, consider what i was saying, consider what i was worth, then tell me you'd do something about it, to make it better.
I'd get my hopes up.
Then maybe, for a day you'd change it up, fix things.
But listening to me talk will never change how you act, 
my threats will never change who you are.
I cannot and will never be able to change this person you will always be.
only you can do that.

you're useless.

I'd like to, for two seconds, remember how it feels to not be so wrapped up in someone else.
I'd like to remember what it's like to show up to school and think about my work, i'd like to remember seeing the clock at 11:11 and wishing for things like good weather the next day, i'd like to remember how it feels to make someone wait on my text, I'd like to remember seeing a stranger and wondering if they'd ever mean something to me, i'd like to remember not being completely dependent on what someone else was doing or how someone else was feeling, i'd like to remember not sitting up at night like an overwhelmed little girl and crying about stupid things an ignorant little boy may or may not have done, i'd like to remember being okay with being alone, i'd like to remember being happy with nothing but me, myself and i.

teenage love ; Friendship on fire.

everyone can see it.

you're a stain, on my brand new white t-shirt.

you linger upon the left side of my chest, close to my heart.

I was clumsy.

got into this thinking this time it'd be different.

thinking i could keep calm, keep things under control.

but of course, i was wrong.

i made a mess.

as usual.

and now everyone can see what's become of me.

what's become of us.

but what has become of us?

some would say, we're simply friends, friends with benifits.

some would say, we're together.

I'd say neither.

I'd say that i don't own you, that while i've got this stain for everyone to see it's not quite as visible on you.

I'd say that I'd like to own you, i'd like for my name to be plastered all over you so that noone else would even think to look at you.

I'd like for us to have matching stains.

but these days, all you've got to do is find the next best laundry detergent before your stain's gone.

noone wants to get used, so you do what you can to rid yourself of things that might be of any benefit to anyone else.

but what happens when you've got nothing left for yourself.

when not even you can use yourself.

what do you have to look forward to.

you fucking worthless piece of shit, you'll never amount to anything.

wipe that smirk off your face, you've got nothing to be proud of.