my notebook ,

take a look at my notebook ,

connect the dots.

soon you'll find,

you're all of my thoughts .

cause in person ,

my tummy does flips and ties itself in knots.

but on paper ,

i can say what i need to say

and there's lots .

same song & dance .

i keep staring at you
begging for your approval ,
begging for your love .
it's not your fault you're not willing to give it to me ,
it's mine.
all mine .
it's not that you're selfish
or that you're ignorant .
it's that i'm too generous ,
too attentive ,

too forgiving .

'

"so what did you think i would say ? 'no, you can't run away ?'"

" it's like i was fighting so hard, just to lose you . "

" because really, if you can't love the person i am now, you can't of loved the person i once was . "

" Just because she doesn't speak his name, or let it roll off her lips, doesn't mean it's not tattooed across her heart.

Just because she doesn't mention him anymore, doesn't mean he's not the only thought that's crossed her mind all day, every day.

and just because there's that other boy, doesn't mean he'd ever be replaced. "

temptation .

you put your hands on my waist and pulled me in,
nice and close.
i could smell what had once been the familiar scent of your cologne
but what had once seemed like such a sweet scent no longer gave me the butterflies it used to.
i took a deep breath, breathing it in.
the feeling of nausea came over me.
i looked into your eyes.
there it was, temptation, right in front of me,
me, of all people .
you looked me back in the eyes - "i missed you." you said, pulling me in once again
but this time really close,
too close.
your lips hovered a mere millimeter from mine.
you kissed me.
there was nothing i could do.
it had been done.
i unstiffened, falling into your arms with the realization that i was defenceless against you and your charm.
you leaned back to look my in the eye once again - "so much."
you paused, "too much."
my stomach dropped as you leaned in for another kiss and i turned my head,
your lips landing upon my cheek.
"i can't." i said.
"but you want to, don't you ? Nobody will --" i cut you off,
"no." you looked into my eyes with that disappointed look you give,
it didn't fase me.
i was used to that look coming from you .
"Do me a favour ?" i asked, my eyes filling with tears.
"anything." you said, your voice cracking, slightly.
"get over me." you looked away from me,
"you can't make me."
now, you might deny it but i could hear the tears in your voice .
"please." i begged.
you looked at me, jaw clenched and eyes bloodshot.
i took that as my cue.
i picked up my bag, stood up from your bed and just as i was about to walk out your door i turned, for one last look.
probably one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made ...

imy .

Dear you ,

you are greatly missed.
don't think otherwise
and please, don't ever forget that .
don't forget me .
i know, it might sound difficult,
but please .
that's all i ask .

P.S; i'll come back for you

ipromise . <3

perfect .

She covers her face,
layers upon layers
of artificial beauty
she wishes would never come off.
She straightens her hair
because beauty is always
only one more trend away.

diet pills are like fairy tales
to this teenage girl,
they tell her everything she should one day be
and as she takes them in
she dreams about the girl she'll never be.

anorexia and bulimia are minor details
of her life from day to day.
It's not a battle if you give in
and forgiveness is granted
if you remember to pray.

eyes out of focus, light headedness and migraines.
the side affects don't seem to bother her much.
when asked, she's okay.
eating can wait for another day.
saving her calories
so she can afford to forget
Friday night.

sometimes she forgets to smile.
getting high is just another escape,
reminding her what it's like not to care.
She can do anything.
fly, feeling the wind through her hair.

She doesn't deserve what affection she's given
but she takes what she can get.
she doesn't care if she's got his undivided attention,
only that he's in the least bit hers.
getting attached is easy for her
so she does as best she can to avoid it.

She puts a razor to her wrist.
The contrast between the cold metal sinking into her flesh
and the warm blood dripping down her forearm
make her feel secure
and tell her that there's balance in everything.
even the bad.

she's reckless,
she gets into fights with complete strangers
just so she'll have someone to take her anger out on.
she hasn't cried in months
and everyday she fights to hold her tears back
is another day she wishes she didn't have to.

She's a perfectionist
but nothing's perfect
so she's gotta fight to make it as close as possible.
She's a control freak
but she can't control the world around her.
All she can control is herself.
All she can control are the things that control her most.

i know better.

if I didn't know any better,
I'd say you've changed.
if I didn't know any better,
I'd say you're trustworthy.
if I didn't know any better,
I'd say you were still in love with me.
if I didn't know any better,
I'd say you miss me.
if I didn't know any better,
I'd say i miss you back.
if I didn't know any better,
I'd give you another chance.

but i know better.
much better.
much better than you.